(The orginal title was “Laughter for Tax Season” from an accounting goup post)
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market – - Jay Leno
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street. – - Jay Leno
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker?
A tie !
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it – Jay Leno
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar – Jay Leno
8. ! The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush’s copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures . – Jay Leno
9. President Bush’s response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21. – Jay Leno
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’. I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the bank’s
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO– Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
(Thanks to Tracy in Connecticut)
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
‘If you’re going to kill each other, Do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
‘You better pray that this will come out of the carpet’
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
‘Because I said so, that’s why.’
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’
6. My mother taught me about the SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS.
‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’
7. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?’
8. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’
9. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’
10. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’
11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
‘Stop acting like your father.’
12. My mother taught me about ENVY.
‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’
13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
‘Just wait until we get home.’
14. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.’
15. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’
16. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up …’
17. My mother taught me GENETICS.
‘You’re just like your father.’
18. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’
19. My mother taught me WISDOM.
‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’
20. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.’
